We need a column, so to the inbox we go!

Everyone deserves a fall break, even us columnists. Imagine the pressure that comes with cranking out these gems every single week. We start with a blank screen, and we must pull 700 magnificent words out of thin air to entertain and inform our dear readers.And unlike the government, we never shut down. So to the inbox we go!Dear David: I enjoyed your "Escape Goat" book, which is loaded with funny takes on social media mistakes and other forms of communication. Have you seen anything lately that tickled your funny bone? (Trish in Hohenwald, Tennessee)Oh yes, every single day. While shopping for a new cooktop, I found it amusing that some of the best deals on stoves and ranges are from a company called Frigidaire.Somehow, the words "frigid air" and "hot stove" don't seem right together. But it was a good price, and it works great. Next time I need a refrigerator, I will look for the Desert Heat brand.Also, after more than 40 years of marriage to my Pennsylvania-born bride, we still spend too much time debating the correct pronunciation of various words. Yes, the North-South battle rages on. Cindy calls those delicious pieces of candy "kar-mul." I say it the right way, "care-uh-mel." She pronounces my favorite sandwich spread "may-uh-naze." Being from Alabama, I get right to the point, using only two syllables. It's "man-aze." Same goes for my waffle topping. Just one syllable will do. "Surp." For some reason, Northerners like to drag it out: "seer-up."We will never agree on the words "pin" and "pen" (she insists there is a difference), the correct way to say "pecan," (come on, who says pee-can?), and what to call that four-wheeled basket you use in the supermarket. Why say "shopping cart" when we all know it's just a buggy? And don't even get me started on "soda" vs. Co-Cola.My language quarrels are not limited to my wife. I watch a lot of sports on TV, and while the play-by-play announcers are usually fluent in basic grammar, their sidekicks are often guilty of some groaners. Like the guy who says, "All of Kershaw's pitches have movement, but ex-specially his fast ball."I also enjoy words and phrases that I haven't heard since I was a kid. It's good to know that there are still some folks who talk like they're from my grandparents' generation. I was introduced to some wonderful ladies at a club meeting recently. "David, I'd like you to meet Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Parker and Mrs. Andrews." What was so unusual? The courtesy title "Mrs." was pronounced "mizz-uh-riz." It sounds like the plural of the word "misery." Or at least that's what I thought when I was a kid in north Alabama.Dear David: You should do a column on people who get on our nerves. I'll never understand people who refuse to blow their nose. There's a lady who sits in front of me at church and I can't focus on the sermon because of her nonstop sniffing. This is not a one-time thing, it's every Sunday! I guess she doesn't want to honk her nose into a Kleenex, but I wish she would pack a few in her purse. (Please don't use my name.)Well, that's a sensitive tissue, I mean issue, and I feel your pain. As for who's getting on my nerves lately, it's the movie and TV writers who increasingly use pop-up phone text messages to advance the story. Most of the time, the text is so small, I have to rewind and get closer to the screen to read a lengthy message. Unless you're a speed reader with perfect vision, this is quite annoying.And finally, Dear David: I remember your column about your "every Monday, Burger King" habit of 30-plus years. What's your first runner-up in the world of fast food? (Lisa in Albany, Georgia)I would award that prize to Chick-fil-A, because of the well-organized multiple drive-thru lanes. I wish the person who designs those would be hired by the government to fix the daily interstate crawl through Chattanooga. Now that would be progress, ex-specially when I'm in a hurry.David Carroll is a Chattanooga news anchor, and his latest book is "I Won't Be Your Escape Goat," available from his website, Chattanooga RadioTV.com. You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Rd, Chattanooga, TN 37405, or at RadioTV2020@yahoo.com.