Some things you will see only in the movies

The holiday season gave me a chance to catch up on some movies, both old and new. I now have access to more movies than I can ever see. But it's nice to know they are available if needed. The late film critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert were famous for giving thumbs up to good movies, and thumbs down to the turkeys. I generally trusted their judgment, and I rely on several online critics today. On their weekly TV series, Siskel and Ebert would often point out film tropes. These are the overused storytelling devices that appear far too often. One of my least favorites is the "fruit stand." If there's a car chase in a movie, especially on a busy street, you can count on a collision sending fruit flying everywhere. It seems the downtown farmers market is always in the path of crooks fleeing from cops. As comedian James Gregory used to say, "It could be a law." Another pet peeve is the inevitable scene near the end of a film, in which our hero is about to meet his demise. That's what the filmmakers want us to think, but we know better. They're not paying the Tom Cruises of the world twenty million bucks for us to walk away angry. Here is the blueprint. The big star is finally cornered, usually in a remote desert. The bad guy has taken our hero's weapons, making him totally helpless. Trope #1: the villain, in complete control, never just shoots the hero and walks away. No, he's going to stand there and spend five minutes recapping the story, explaining his dirty deeds, and bragging about the fact that he's going to end this, once and for all. By this time, Trope #2 is set up. Just when the bad guy is about to pull the trigger, he is shot from behind by some insignificant character we had all forgotten about. It's usually an inept sidekick, or a teenager who has never fired a gun. Somehow, this unlikely hero has suddenly become an accurate marksman from 100 yards away. Only in the movies. Trope #3: Speaking as someone whose cellphone usually has a shattered screen, a 16-hour battery life, and loses its signal five miles away from a populated area, here's another scene from too many movies. I don't care how desolate the landscape, or how many days our hero is on the run, he can text and make calls in the middle of nowhere, with a perfectly intact screen and a battery that lasts forever. Trope #4: Several characters are in a house. They could be in the kitchen, or the living room. Conversations are taking place. You hear nothing in the background. No radio, no TV. Suddenly a newscaster's voice comes on, loud and clear, broadcasting a message that advances the plot. "Police are searching for an armed man who held up a convenience store on 29th Street...." Now wait a minute? Why didn't we hear the TV show that was interrupted by that news bulletin? Does your TV sound come on automatically when there's a special report? It does, if you live in the movies. I've also grown tired of movie characters who are in danger, "hiding out" in their homes. Yet they are clearly visible because they don't close their curtains. In the real world, if I suffer a paper cut, it will take at least a week to heal. In movie world, if our hero gets beaten to a pulp, by the next day the scars are gone, and he's as good as new. And I'm always fascinated that, in New York City and Los Angeles, traffic and street parking is never an issue. Must the movie's hero get to the courthouse by noon to save an innocent victim? On the big screen, there will be a free parking space near the front door. In real life, I will have to park several blocks away, and spend 10 minutes figuring out how to avoid getting towed. Maybe that's why no one will ever make a movie about me. Who would pay to see boring stuff like that? David Carroll is a Chattanooga news anchor, and his latest book is "I Won't Be Your Escape Goat," available from his website, ChattanoogaRadioTV.com. You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405, or at RadioTV2020@yahoo.com.